I wasn't planning on posting today. Most of my posts have been video. Today I am thinking a little impromptu writing and sharing my heart might be in order. Just straight up ponderings here.
First, I have to say the sunshine is out today. For where I live, and the recent weather pattern, it feels amazing to see some much-missed sunshine. After I post this, I have some flower beds that are in desperate need of weeding. I actually look forward to it. The sunshine lifts the spirits a lot. I am thankful for that lift. I needed it. My birds are very active at the feeders today too and that is also a subject that makes me smile. I might start tossing in a random pretty bird pic or too.
Those of you who know me on facebook, know I was very blessed with a new camera and I have been inundating facebook with bird pictures. I have to do something with the many pictures I enjoy taking. They have almost no value other than making me smile, hopefully, they make other people smile too occasionally. I needed the smiles. Yesterday and today I have felt off. Emotionally so, I mean. Thus, onto the main point of this post.
I have an observation, when I go back on youtube or the blog and start doing a video or post, I notice I tend to be very susceptible to doubt and attacks. This is way more than I should be. It is a character trait I do not like about myself. I am a very sensitive person, too much so. uggg Sometimes the tiniest thing or words feels like a huge deterrent to me.
I am not sure if that is just a personality trait with me or just simple weakness. I haven't decided. I do think that when we try to do something for the Lord, Satan likes to come at you without holding back. It doesn't have to be in things going wrong. Self-doubt is totally enough to derail a person. Namely someone like me. So I want to confess my self-doubt. I have a megaton of it. Every time I upload a youtube video, I doubt myself.
Yet, I feel driven to do it. I have thoughts of stopping every day. I question if my doubts are from me or from the Lord. I then question the questions, and create more questions. (LOL) A person can sure work themselves into a frenzy with the mental gymnastics that can go on with such things. That action keeps us chasing our mental tails and usually slows us down. This is not a good thing and should be avoided.
I ask myself, why should I post so frequently? I have a list of topics I feel that were brought to my heart. But that list will run out. If it does, it does. I have found a schedule of sort. I film in batches, and then release the vids one at a time. Time-wise, this works nicely and doesn't create a huge schedule issue. I am getting faster at the process and even the editing isn't too bad now.
However, every stinkin' time, I have thoughts in my ear like, "you are such a fraud" "your life isn't together" "why should YOU share your thoughts online" "who cares what you think" "you are a sin-filled person, you have no right to do this youtube thing"..."you are making a fool of yourself", "you don't read your Bible enough"....well anyway you get the point.
I am NOT making this post to look for compliments and nice words. Not at all. I am making it, partly to organize my own thoughts and doubts... but I also believe in confessing this stuff. Confession is good. Also you can hopefully find some value in the words. I suspect confessing it openly to you curtail some of that nagging doubt.
I do NOT have it all together. NOT EVEN CLOSE! I also still feel compelled to continue. I know that His grace is sufficient for me. There are no perfect people. I imagine MANY of you have things like this is your life. Some people may not struggle if you have a different personality I guess. I think there are a lot of sisters like me.
My encouragement to you is to keep on sharing about Jesus. If you have nagging doubts around everytime you try to do something you felt led to do, keep on.
Keep following the Bible. Follow Christ. Follow Titus 2. That is my youtube mission, a partial fulfillment of Titus 2. Hopefully, God does stuff with it.
I have a variety of videos and posts, some are more boring than others, but I know some people find value in them. Sisters kindly write and tell me such. It is always appreciated when they do. Usually, these things hit at just the right time. God knows what we need, when we need it. I believe that firmly. Hopefully, this confession of mine somehow helps one of you all.
So for now, and while the Lord gives me topics I will do so. I read this morning a poem that Elisabeth Elliot liked to share in her talks. It was "Do the Next Thing"(author unknown). I am kinda meh on poetry usually, but that phrase spoke to me. "Do the next thing". That is what I am going to do.
At some point I may hit a wall, I don't know. I am going to worry only about today like the Good Lord says. Even if any of my self-doubts are true and folks think I look foolish....so be it. I'd rather live with that, than live with being silent.
My posts have been heavy on faith talks lately, partly in response to questions that were asked of me. So while I have those, I do have a large list of homemaking/homeschooling/sewing videos planned. I just tackle whichever I feel most compelled to do. I will continue to do the next thing for while I can. If you all continue to read and watch with me, Praise God. His will be done.
And now....I feel like I weeded my brain a little, so time for weeding those outdoor flower and garden beds.