This was written by me in response to a Keepers At Home* request for stories on overcoming infertility. Though I don't think it was ever chosen for printing, but I thought I would share this testimony here as well. Perhaps it will help another sister.
It was recently requested that if we have experience with overcoming infertility that we share about it. I have PCOS, for those who don’t know what that is, it is polycystic ovarian syndrome. It is more and more common it seems. Many probably have it or know a little about it. It can make getting pregnant most difficult as your hormonal levels are out of balance. Often one experience irregular or no ovulation, and thus no regular monthly.
I have been married 10 years and I was 29 years old before being blessed with my first on Sept 4, 2007. Little Daniel James seemed truly a miracle to me. Though I had always desperately wanted children, my husband and I hadn’t actively “tried” for children that entire 10 years of marriage. We weren’t always of the same biblical walk we believe in today. By the time my husband and I were both at a place spiritually to allow God’s will to happen with children no matter what, I had a doctor tell me it would not happen without extensive fertility treatments. He also said if I didn’t get pregnant before age 30 it would probably never happen at all.
While there were the times we had not allowed the possibility of pregnancy, even through those years I had wanted a child most desperately. That need only grew and grew the older I became. I felt incomplete as a woman. I was jealous of other ladies who seemed to have such fruitful wombs. I tried not to be, but it was still a sin I struggled with frequently. When this doctor told me such wretched news and it ruined nearly all my hopes for a child. I grieved because I did not really believe in forcing it to happen. I felt so defeated because I wanted it so badly. I felt like I could die. How could I live with empty arms?
Eventually I went to another doctor. He disagreed with the previous diagnosis but only to a point. He agreed I had PCOS. However, he said pregnancy was still possible if I could get regulated. He also said that if I didn’t do something to regulate my cycles it could harm me in the long run. If you have no periods it can dramatically increase your cancer risks apparently. Because I didn’t want to take fertility treatments he put me on a special birth control with progesterone temporarily. It was merely meant to make my monthly kick in. It did. But I still didn’t have a baby. I still spent a long time without a child that I wanted so badly.
Finally in December ’06 my monthly stopped again but the pregnancy test was negative. I was devastated because I thought my PCOS was making my hormones de-regulate again. I cried and cried. My husband wanted to know what wrong of course and I told him why I was upset. He became upset as well. He cried with me (he had never really done that over this issue before). He and I prayed together that night. He placed his hand on my tummy and prayed that God would open my womb. He also prayed that if it was not God’s will, then please help us accept it in our hearts.
For the first time, I truly decided to accept God’s will. Furthermore, I decided I would rejoice in His will no matter what the answer was, even if it was no. That was a big step for me. As believers, we often say we accept God’s will, but do we decide to REJOICE in it no matter what? I think it is important that we do.
Little did I know that despite the negative pregnancy test, Daniel was already growing in my belly when my husband placed his hand there. God knew our need before we even asked that night.
12/02/10 P.S. An update to this article is in order. The Summer of 2010 due to an experience with colitis I had, I had an ultrasound done. They seen a cyst on my ovaries and a follow up ultrasound ended up being done. Between those two ultrasounds, my current doctor said my ovaries do not appear polycystic after all. He said all of these years that has been a misdiagnosis. They should have initially done one before ever diagnosing me. They diagnosed me from blood work only and that is incorrect. My insulin resistance due to being type II diabetic (previously I was just pre-diabetic for many years) was the reason for the poor bloodwork. I am leaving this testimony in it's original form as that it the way it happened. Whether God chose to heal the polycystic nature or whether I never really was to start with doesn't matter to me. I think it was a matter of God allowing me to believe that so I could come to the place to really trust Him and His will for my life and womb.
5/20/11 By the way, I am currently 33 years old and I am pregnant again. LOL :-) Due Aug 22, 2011. It is supposed to be a little girl.
*Keepers at Home is a quarterly Anabaptist magazine for ladies that has absolutely just blessed me greatly. I highly recommend it, it is the only subscription I currently have and it is worth every penny to me.